Change in me is happening. The
speed is uncertain but it is evident that it is happening. Sometimes it is seen
from my behaviour and sometimes not, sometimes even I am not aware of it but
deep inside me something is stirring and the change is happening. I am highly
confused, and more confused about the confusion I am confused of. I know things
but I am falling short to explain them, there is always ‘what if’ fear with me
that is difficult for me to overcome. What if I go wrong, what if I am unable
to explain what I understand, what if someone will come to know that I am
losing it, what if and what if. Many times when I am surrounded by people I
feel aloof, incomplete, insecure, I feel like hiding myself wishing that I
was not here or anywhere else ever. Hiding is not a solution but it always comes
to my aid. There is a longing in me to sort things out, to stop bothering and
finally start what I always think of, to prove myself and to prove beyond
expectations. Every night before drifting into sleep I promise myself that
tomorrow is the day when I shall make a mark somewhere; somewhere so sharp that
it becomes my character and identity. It is my undying urge for long, but I am
confident that I shall fulfil it before the change happening in me overcomes the
impulse.
